If you want healthy and Successful Marriage, there are ten different keys to a successful marriage. The word marriage it conjures up many different thoughts and many mixed feelings and depending on a marriage. If it’s healthy or unhealthy can determine a lot of things in our life.
Because when we’re in a healthy marriage, it can support us and create that safe zone and that Cooperation that we need When we’re in an unhealthy marriage.
Well, the different stress, anxiety, and resentment.
Let’s talk about marriage.
In this valuable article, we’re going to be talking about marriage and, more importantly, what makes for a healthy marriage.
I know that when we think about marriage. Many things conjure in mind, and marriage is supposed to be a place of respect, cooperation, safety.
But more frequently than not, we might find ourselves in a marriage that seems quite the Opposite.
It’s straining there’s a lot of stress, anxiety, and we feel as though we’re competing against the person that we are supposed to spend the rest of our life.
So, let’s begin and talk about the ten things that create a healthy marriage.
Respect Each other’s to A Successful Marriage
We have ten keys to a Successful Marriage. The first thing that I want to address in this article is respect. We have to have respect for ourselves and respect for the other person in the marriage.
But it begins with personal respect for self. Because if we lack that self-respect. We are going to be unable to supply real honour to our spouse. Okay, and so, we got to check ourselves in this situation.
A lot of times, when we’re feeling stress or anxiety in the marriage, We have to remember that. We have also to be carrying our weight, and so are you respecting yourself.
Have you found self-respect?
If you haven’t, this is something that we must embark on even to begin to have a successful marriage.
Because if you don’t respect yourself. You don’t understand how to respect yourself. So, therefore you cannot honestly respect your spouse.
Cooperation Instead of Competition for A Successful Marriage
The second thing that I want to give you from our list of keys to a Successful Marriage from Cooperation instead of competition. There is no room for games in marriage.
Now I’m not talking about you go, and you’re in a race, and you all are doing the three-legged race, and you’re doing this for charity, and there’s a little competition.
There it’s not what I’m talking.
I’m talking about the competition that cutthroat competition about who’s making more money or who has a better job or who’s creating more of this or creating more wealth.
That debt needs to be the left at the door.
Because that’s usually facilitated by somebody in the marriage feeling lesser than or insecure about something in their life, creating this breeding ground for competition tries to contact better at some sort of level.
But that creates discord and divided, and friction and divide are not things that a healthy marriage has.
Leave the Know-it-all Mentality at The Door
The third thing that I want to give you from our list of keys to a Successful Marriage from Leave the Know-it-all Mentality at The Door.
Something that pertains to all relationships. It’s Not just marriage.
But you got to leave the know-it-all mentality at the door. Okay, nobody likes to be around a know-it-all. Okay, nobody wants to be a told about how somebody knows everything, and you know nothing.
That is not what any relationship is based. Okay, so the know-it-all mentality if somebody is having that type of attitude and acting from that position.
It needs to be talked about; it needs to be brought into the light, and the reason for that person needing to know. It all needs to be also addressed, as well.
Because usually, this goes back to insecurity. Right, it goes back to the feeling and the necessary need for knowing everything to be validated. Right, that perfectionism whatever and that needs to be addressed.
Because marriage cannot work that way Because when there’s a know-it-all in the union, there’s no cooperation, and there’s no communication. Right, because one person knows everything and the other person is being told what to do and I haven’t seen that work and any relationship. Much less a healthy marriage.
Change Must Begin With You
The fourth thing that I want to give you from our list of keys to a Successful Marriage, Change must begin with you.
This is more often than not; there might be problems in the marriage.
But it’s not just about your spouse. Okay, the problems also must be addressed within you. Because a lot of times, our spouse is mirroring us to some degree with the issues in the marriage.
As well as it takes two to tango, But then we go back, and we understand what issues we may be contributing to you and how to work that way to realise that we can make changes we can also show our spouse by example the changes that we’re making.
So, remember that the problem doesn’t just lie with the other person. It’s also a two-way street, and that’s very helpful. Because every relationship is like that, right, every relationship has issues, and all these issues must be taken care of addressed communicated and be worked through.
But it’s not just one person that has to do the work. It’s both people that need to do the job and participate together.
Cooperation Versus Codependence
The fifth thing that I want to address from our list of keys to a Successful Marriage is Cooperation versus codependence. There’s a huge difference. You know Cooperation is there for one another, being each other’s cheerleader, being each other’s support system. Okay, I was there to Pat each other on the back.
You know, taking care of the kids needs to be taken somewhere. It’s not all about one person’s job. It’s pitching in because it takes a village to get things done Cooperation when two whole people come together. It is compelling, and that’s what makes for a healthy relationship.
But the Opposite, I often see more than not, is that codependence. Where there are two half people when I mean by that is both individuals. That comes into the relationship.
They’re looking at the other person to support them and the other person to define them.
Right, and in a supportive setting, I’ve already defined myself by my own definition. I found my own self-love. I found my own self-respect. I don’t need my spouse to set me by that.
Because I’ve already found that and then that person also has to have that self-respect, that Identity that they’ve created and the Identity has to be outside of me.
I cannot be someone else’s Identity. I cannot be someone else’s purpose.
Okay, they cannot be your Identity. They cannot be your purpose. So, those are the difference in a cooperative setting. Right. We have our own Identity. We have our own mission, and we’re working together to facilitate for both of us.
They are meaning that I’m cheerleading my spouse and vice versa and behind them a hundred per cent for their purpose into that achievement.
Okay. obviously the
The difference in a codependent relationship is both people are defining each other by each other’s love, and as long as they have their love, then they have some sort of Identity. Do you see them? So, if the other person leaves or stops loving them.
Then they lose that Identity, and so when a supportive setting is two individuals coming together, two whole individuals that have respect for themselves, Identity, self-love, and then they’re able to see the value of the other person.
Because they see the value in themselves very differently, and I’m going to be talking more about all these things. That link later on in a longer Article.
So, that we can actually go through each one of these steps and understand How to link that into your marriage and if it doesn’t exist how to create that and how to co-create that with your spouse.
Communication
The sixth thing that I want to address from our list of keys to a Successful Marriage is communication.
Communication in any relationship is critical. But communication in a marriage is vital. We have to be able to communicate with one another, and that’s why I said earlier. Having to know it all and the relationship will not work.
Because I know it all will not allow for communication. They are the end-all-be-all to life’s existence.
Because they know all answers meaning that’s not going to happen, communication will fail, and so the other person actually sees that they’re coming from that mentality and where that’s coming from an insecure position in life. Right,
So, when we go back to the concept of communication is critical. We have to be able to sit down and facilitate a conversation about something.
That’s important to us. We have to leave the emotion at the door, and We can’t get angered, we can’t lose our temper.
Remember, one of the biggest keys is something that I want you to think about is that even though you might be in an argument in your marriage.
Remember, this is your friend of yours this person is a friend to you, and you know the way we speak to other people directly relates to how we speak to ourselves and if I’m gonna start yelling and screaming with my spouse.
The first one to hear that yelling and screaming are me. Because it’s coming out of my mouth. Okay,
So, I want you to believe that in relation to all this stuff. Because even if it is an argument and even if it does feel or seem insurmountable.
Remember, this person is your friend first and your spouse second, and we owe it to our friend to hear them out even if we agree or disagree and then to supply our own – and to try to meet somewhere in the middle.
Remember, the issue isn’t black or white. It’s probably somewhere in the grey zone, and in order to find that grey zone, both people have to be heard, and we have to come somewhere to the centre on the final agreement.
Taking Responsibility for One’s Actions
The seventh thing that’s very important is taking responsibility for one’s actions. Okay, we have to be able to take responsibility for what we do the choices, we make the choices.
We make are not about someone else. Okay, when we make a bad or poor choice. We don’t blame our spouse for that choice. We look within ourselves, and we don’t have to blame ourselves either.
But we need to look within ourselves and ask ourselves, “why do we make that choice” is there a cyclical pattern throughout my life.
That I make not-so-good choices for myself, and let’s start getting into that and piecing that together instead of basically putting it on someone else.
Because we don’t want to look within ourselves to understand where that came from.
You know, I find that some people are too scared to look within themselves. Because they don’t know what they’re gonna find and they’re scared of what they’re gonna find.
But what I found is that usually, it’s not that scary. We just need to understand why we acted a certain way and why we came from that point of view.
In order to understand why we chose that and to make different choices in our future, and so taking responsibility for one’s actions is key in any relationship.
But in a marriage, that’s vital. Because we can’t put it on someone else, and we can’t blame our spouse for the things that we’ve created for ourselves.
Letting Go of The Baggage from The Previous Relationships
The eighth thing that you want to consider and something that I hope that you worked on prior to getting married is letting go of the baggage from the previous relationships.
A lot of times when we don’t do There’s a tendency of bringing that baggage in. You know, the problems with the previous relationships we end up seeing that in the marriage. We get fearful, we get scared, we see someone act a certain way, and we begin to go back into the memory banks of the past, and then we start creating problems.
That our current marriage, that might not even exist, and so if you have brought past baggage into the marriage, it’s now time to begin to unpack that baggage.
We were you in a previous relationship that you spells cheated on you, and are you bringing that into the current relationship questioning your current spouse and is that causing friction and argument. Okay,
Remember when we bring that past baggage that we didn’t get right into the marriage. It usually ruins the marriage that we’re in.
Because more often than not, the person is not doing what you think they’re doing. We’re just putting that on to them.
Because we never let go of that issue. We never understood it completely, and we never really let go of that baggage and work with a professional whether a therapist or life coach to overcome.
That and so when two people are bringing in a bunch of baggage into the relationship It’s almost as if you’re not even in the relationship with one another. You’re in the relationship with them yourself.
The past relationships their past relationships and so it becomes a very crowded house and a lot of times a lot of inaccuracies can be taken into that relationship, and a lot of things said that you might not mean.
But you’re interpreting things based on that previous baggage that you still haven’t come to terms with.
Ups and downs in a marriage.
Number nine. Okay, a marriage is like any relationship there’s gonna be ups and downs. Right, there’s gonna be good days and maybe not-so-good days. There’s gonna be times when your spouse seems to be on cloud nine, and you seem to have had the worst work year in a century.
It’s interesting because marriage kind of brings out this yin-yang in people. Okay, and I want to give you an example.
I’ve been married for 16 years, and there have been times when I have woken up in the morning, and the absolute best mood and my husband is so down in the dumps. It really almost changes my perspective. Okay.
The times when I have been down in the dumps as far as career-wise when he has been on cloud nine or seemed to have been, and so I found that the marriage.
If we’re not working from a cooperative standpoint and we don’t have mutual respect.
The marriage could almost feel competitive, and there can be some resentment when things appear to be going their way and not so much your way. Okay, and so wants you to be aware of that ups and downs.
It’s like life; it’s like we have friends. Right, you have your friends outside of your marriage, and you have some friends that are like on the top of the world one moment and then down in the dumps.
The other right it’s the same type of thing. But the difference is that you’re living with this person and married to this person. Okay, so realizing there’s going to be ups and downs. It’s not going to be rainbows and unicorns all the time.
But one caveat out of this that I really want to shine some light on. Is that I found that when there are a lot of downs or there are ups and downs and there becomes this kind of competition within the relationship and there starts to be like this disintegration.
Where you do not see eye to, the eye you’re not communicating. I found that many people will actually step outside the marriage. Okay, and find someone to be in a relationship with at the same time of being married. Okay,
I understand that sometimes the problems in the marriage can seem insurmountable.
But I’m here to say is that I understand the interest of the kind of leaving and experiencing something on the side as well as maybe the escapism of that.
But what I found is that. That only adds to more drama and adds to more stress, more confusion, more anxiety, and it also adds to the guilt factor. Okay,
We need to take care of our marriage one way or another. Okay, and I know that. That can sound hard for some people. But remember that person is your friend you married somebody.
That you do care about and I think that you owe it to yourself and you owe it to your friend to start opening the lines of communication in this situation.
You know, one of the things that I found is that when people do step outside of the marriage. It makes it harder for them to communicate with their spouse because of that guilt.
Because of the maybe the resentment and the guilt and so, being able to communicate on a level playing field and not to feel guilty about something that’s going on that’s not known to the other person is a way better way of dealing with something another thing that I want you to think about too is. That when there are issues in the marriage, and you’re actually in marriage, and you have both feet in the marriage.
It’s a lot easier to figure out what needs to happen. Okay, it’s a lot easier to try to open communication.
But also, if you do have to take a break for a spiritual journey or for an awakening or to try to get some ground or some. So, let’s kind of solidify where you are you want to do that in a way, where you don’t have guilt and shame from it.
So, if you are taking a moment outside the marriage to go stay somewhere else and find yourself. Because there’s been a lot of issues, it’s good that you’re doing that on your own.
Because there’s nothing to hide, okay, when we have something to hide it changes the whole quotient of it, and also what happens is that when you’re trying to escape with somebody else to fill. That void’s almost like it’s a vacation. Right,
So, it seems so much better than marriage. That relationship seems great and fun and exciting when the marriage feels like boring and in too much trouble and overwhelming when in reality that.
That vacation is stepping outside of the marriage. That’s not really reality okay think about if you’ve been married to that person for ten years.
What that would be like. So, I want you to the type of think about that process and realize that if we’re gonna deal with the problems in the marriage.
We need to do it head-on with communication without having a fog head of guilt or shame because that’s not going to help you redeem anything or find anything.
It’s actually going to hurt you. You’re not going to be on a level playing field to actually determine what is necessary for this relationship and taking responsibility for your actions.
But also, being able to stand and say hey if your spouse is not taking responsibility for their actions being able to step up to the plate and tell them without hiding that.
Because of fear guilt or shame of whatever you’re doing on the side. So, basically, you want to be able to say. What you want to say and be honest and truth worthy without getting stuck and in that kind of sitting on the sidelines and actually kind of looking at your life from outside. The situation when that’s not really reality at all.
Unconditional self-love
Last but not least is number ten is self-love. Unconditional self-love. Very valuable stuff that I’m not talking about narcissistic love, I’m not talking about ego related ego-driven love, I’m talking about that self during that unconditional self-love.
That helps us to realize that we can accept ourselves and that’s really valuable and that we’re supposed to be our own best friend and that’s extremely valuable too, and then we’re not looking for somebody outside of us to define us or to give us value. Okay,
Because when we look outside of ourselves – for somebody to define us or to give us value. What is that as codependency? That’s the basis of codependency.
Because we don’t think we’re good enough to stand alone. We think that we need their love or their acceptance to be good enough and that’s just not real and like what I’ve been talking about a healthy marriage.
All those ingredients cooperation respect leaving the know-it-all concept at the door the communication. Right,
That Cooperation all those things are really predicated based on the bedrock of unconditional self-love. When two people unconditionally self-love themselves, they can live under unconditionally love the other person.
So, if I have unconditional self-love, I can unconditionally love my spouse. Because I know what it is. Okay, and that means that I love them no matter what; no matter what they do, I love them at the soul level and I’m not also holding it based on conditions or based on the condition of what they do or not do. Okay,
Because I’ve realized that that’s not what love is based on and I’ve realized that also I can accept myself and I value myself and I’ve become my own best friend and I see that my spouse is amazing to be with.
But they’re not me; they’re not me, I’m me. Okay, and so we’re two whole people that can come together and in a joint respectful relationship and remember marriage is supposed to last the test of time. Right,
Years and years and years and years ageing process changes of jobs children empty nesters all that stuff getting older retiring all those types of things got to kind of fit into this. Right,
And so, we got to literally grow together and the only way that two people grow together. Like you hear when people say they grow together, they grow apart from the reason.
Why they grow together?
Is that they have unconditional like self-love for themselves. That radiates to their partner. That allows them to create that respect and, I have that acceptance and to have that Cooperation instead of the stuff.
That eats them up with sides and makes them turn on their spouse Because. Remember the only reason we usually kind of lose it or we get competitive or we get disrespectful is. If we’re getting that back or we’re feeling that inside of ourselves, and usually it’s that broken inner record. Right,
They are making us feel lesser than when in reality, we’re an amazing beam. But we have to see it and if we don’t see that. We’re an amazing beam how can we see that our spouse is. We might think that we love them.
But it’s based on condition and condition really never had a spot in a marriage.
Because it’s not it can’t last the test of time it just can’t, and so, we have to last the test of time with a marriage based on growing together based on these concepts, and I want to write a deeper article, and I want to put that on this blog to really illuminate how each one of these aspects directly relates to a healthy marriage and how to really build off of that and things that you can do on a daily basis to really encourage this behaviour in your marriage.
Because you know as we go through the years of marriage, sometimes we’re kind of just going through the motions. Okay, we’re not taking that time to really experience the marriage, we’re not taking that time to make it new again you see.
What I’m saying and those are the things that really can add to the value of marriage.
Because marriage is like anything else we got to work at it it’s something we have to work at, it’s something that we have to cultivate, and it’s something that we have to be an active participant in and if we’re not doing that the relationship stops to grow and so I hope that this article has helped you to understand a healthy marriage and those ten components of a healthy marriage.
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